my dreams have been raped they are all the same 'cept for those who are not which are the ones i want not
i see the world through a different lense perspectives shifted, proportions messed with my voice, taken, beaten and buried theres no more here to listen for
i had a picture and i danced around in my room blooming in the humidity of the shower wild. colorful. pregnant with lust
(vines climbing up the shower curtains buds blossoming a deep orange stunning red deep violet with a hint of blue water evaporates as soon as it hits the tub nothing but steam so thick, no world below my nipples)
in 1 evening i realized i am different and they are the same went to bed with an aching boy whom i did not have the heart to comfort
not my strength. i prefer danger, deciet, cruelty and my own personal demise
at home i went to bed with my matress this time tears were not shed
now they are boredom induced ive lost touch with myself
but i realize, in honorable moments i give myself somethings they have never been able to
they just take take take and bury themselves deeper till my pride will submit only to scratching at the surface my aching deep and holow their penetration inquestionable
i want something, that i feel, is intangible and abstract a theory pieced together from broken day dreams and wild fantasies
-- those nights we spent together. those moments. day or night. regardless. i laquered with a shiny finish reflect, now, what i yearn to see
reality was not so - i made you in my mind before we met your silhouette a shell for me to color in. by chance. thank you. come again.
my fantasies have equiped me with tools to judge, laquer, and shatter the novice, the bad boy, the builder
'i dont have a type' 'i dont care about this and that' are all lies
i have an abstraction which, turns out, is much more powerful than a physical model it provides tools to judge, laquer, and shatter the novice, the bad boy, the builder it is pliable applicable in all situations to all individuals loved hated
like a misty image which changes shape each time you look.
you step too close i may let you in before you know it youll be swallowed up and i will have made up my mind about you in 60 seconds flat
something decides whether you are the one one of them or in the complement of all unions all together
and i cant help it and i cant understand it and now you hate me and i still lead you on
you wounded puppy you still have the balls to laugh with me in the dark but you turned your back to me like you all always do and thats when i felt pain and thats when i felt comfort and now you'll run away
and maybe the mist will follow you maybe ill see you in a new light the harsh light of reality
kind words? sincere smiles? i'll still accuse you of lies simply because thats what i want to hear
despite my tendency to prepare for worst case scenarios... i underestimated the extent of hardcored-ness of this quarter. there will be even more of a lack of updates than usual, if you can imagine.
i am now getting tumbled in the wash cycle/ oceanic turmoil of 15 quarter units of mathematics.
believe it or not, i have not even had a chance to go running this week (aside from sunday). swam once. walked once (not counting sunday). the end. i am lame. nerd nerd nerd nerd nerd nerd nerd.
if life were perfect, the proccess of building new neuron connections would equate to developing one's muscles in regards to the calorie burning potential. 5 hours of differential equations = -500 cals?? ahh that would be heaven on earth.
edit: atleast i'm not in heat anymore. math... the natural way towards abstinence!
my dedication this past quarter has paid off. all a's, again. unbelievable. i astonish myself. lets have an ego trip for a second here. i fucking rock. so moral of the story is give it your all. it's worth it! for all the times you fall flat on your face, that one moment you succeed justifies the method of 'just do it and do it till you can't physically do it no more.'
so far i have gotten into uc-santa cruz for econ and uc-santa barbara for math/econ. i am excited. still waiting on davis, san diego and of course... cal and ucla. 3 weeks.
i have been told that what i am attempting next quarter is insane. but, i have decided that i enjoy putting myself through hell and wish to get all my classes over with pre-summer. here is my insane plan for spring quarter:
4th quarter calculus differential equations linear algebra principles of biology (my only breather)
as i said last quarter: I am now officially a nerd. I have given up on life and living for the sadomasochistic pleasures of multivariable optimization and proof by strong induction. The End.
thank god i will not have to be drilled on proof by induction and permutations/combinations and big theta/big omega/etc this quarter. i am so excited to be done with discrete math that i am effeciently erasing all knowledge of it from my memory. phew.
its spring break and i finally went out last night for the first time in.... forever. god it felt good. still feels good. nerd is on hold. the end.
change is inevitable. the vector exists. it's your job to define.
be it n little numbers attached to n specific letters. be it n little numbers enclosed in <>'s and separated by (n-1) ,'s. those n little numbers are yours. n belonging to positive integers.
now every moment changes from 1 to n of those little numbers in one of infinately many ways, each. life defined in n dimensions is much more complicated than point A to point B. imagine the error resulting in a linear approximation of a three dimensional object. multiply that by infinity. add the definite possibility of undefined external contraints, and you have one hell of a confused individual attempting to grasp the concept of "planning ahead."
You are an Architect, possible professions include - strategic planning, writer, staff development, lawyer, architect, software designer, financial analyst, college professor, photographer, logician, artist, systems analyst, neurologist, physicist, psychologist, research/development specialist, computer programmer, data base manager, chemist, biologist, investigator.
i am seriously going insane. trying to keep myself together.
ive decided to focus 90% of my studying on discrete math this weekend, in hopes of being able to adequately prepare for monday's exam. i don't understand. some concepts, yes. but then, come application/examination time, i fall flat on my face. there have been many breakdowns today.
feels a lot like winter quarter of last year (w/ english 1b) but i will not give up. i will pound my head against the wall until friday the 31st, this quarter. i will not give up. i am better, stronger and smarter than that.
2.5 weeks. lets see how insane i can get. discrete math, multivariable calculus, public speaking 1a-honors, ethics, c++ prog. most stressful classes in descending order.
each girl can at some point come to embody a certain look, feel, aura... if shes lucky. hopefully before it is too late.
this girl has more facets to her appearance than i will ever be able to count. chameleon. acts that follow appearances. functions that follow form. envy is not the right word.
playing dress up till the day she dies. we've seen her countless times. at one point she was all around us. laughing with us. sulking with us. drinking with us. smoking with us. selling to us. we have no idea who she is. she is as much a product as the jeans she made famous. the look she trademarked. the style she embodies.
it seems like every moment just ups the intensity one more notch. i want to slow the process down but im too scared it will shut down all together. so i have to force the moments to keep the system up? i might try. nothing to lose if you dont start out with much.
i was drunk and i served the balls into a nearby court by accident. and each time, i was aware of my mistake but i kept on. kept on. he, my //////um/ opponent, returned with much vigor. now look at me. unwilling to face the score. (he was drunk too, repeat steps 1-3 with him as main ingredient). so who was i really playing against? drunk tennis. what a mess.
i am scared of both the questions and the answers.
my minds a scratched cd of tomorrow's crappy one hit wonders. maybe once in a while ill stumble upon a future blonde's future hit and secretly love every note, every word, every possibility. but in less than 4 mintues. skip. another 5 seconds of a crappy one hit wonder of tomorrow. guilt. anger. disgust.
must fill mind with academia to avoid such future post-traumatic hardware breakdowns. keeps life relatively simple when all you have to focus on is the volume of a the region constructed by rotating y=fuckyouandshutthefuckup. tell me, o psych professor, what is the definition of intelligence?
i just got back from the transfer aliance program (tap) ucla trip. my goodness was it quite an experience. let me sum it up...
i got there the thursday night. will was going to be playing at the Festival of African American Music's presentation of Latin Jazz, Afro Latin, and the Avant-Garde. there were some big names but i'm not really into names when it comes to jazz. except for faddis who is an amazing trumpet player. he pretty much owned the show. will had a co-solo part with the grammy-nominated head of ethnomusicology dept. and i also got to witness a somewhat "epic" performance by the composer of the starwars theme along with the ucla jazz kids. it was pretty insane. i had a good time. afterwards, i went to the town area in westwood, i believe, and got some frozen yogurt with oreos! mmm.
the next day i had my honors program ordeal. i am officially in love with the ucla campus. unlike 90% of la, ucla is so clean and taken care of. beautiful. 2 things that made me fall in love:
1. their great honors program. the classes average 12-15 kids. sometimes as high as 20. never more. such a relief! 2. their gym. they have everything you could ever hope for. so beautiful. i love it. i can't fucking wait. 3. their math/econ joint major (excellent prep for graduate econ) and psych minor. i am... in heaven? 4. the campus activities
the one thing i AM concerned about is the possibility of me getting sucked into la after graduation. heaven forbid. if i do go to ucla, i will make a concious effort over the summer to come back to the bay ant network through internships in the sf-area.
that night, we went to see the last second of the festival's rap/hiphop/spoken word ordeal and witnessed some crazy breakdancers. then we went to party like nothing else. i looove the college scene. you can walk to anywhere and everywhere. parties are abundant. practicaly everyone is college-aged so no worries of noise level, etc. the two years of college after the jc are going to be nice nice nice. exciting learning and exciting night life.
plus, soon after i transfer is 21-time. la clubs, galore! can we say... yay?
so ucla is a mighty good choice for me as i already know bunches of people. no worries of mixing self into crazy big campus of strangers. and im sure even if that was the case, i wouldnt have a problem. everyone is mighty chill. "you can make a big campus small but you can't make a small campus big." i love the school. it is definately going to be a tough choice if&when it comes down to ucla v.s cal.