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Emphasis on the L

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New Journal [Dec12'2007 04:04AM]

I have a new journal which i update fairly frequently with writing so if you're interested... I'm also 
 on this site. It's projected 99% friends only so leave a comment there, etc.

[Jun09'2007 05:37PM]
i want a dr. jackyll and mr hyde
type of liaison

until then
i am a broken record
skipping along
bouncing between

you indifferent, passionate lover
you ambitious, wounded puppy

ill keep you around
for as long as you stay
for you offer exactly
what the other cannot

together, you partition perfection

im afraid i would not have it any other way.

[Jun08'2007 05:39PM]
my dreams have been raped
they are all the same
'cept for those who are not
which are the ones i want not

i see the world through a different lense
perspectives shifted, proportions messed with
my voice, taken, beaten and buried
theres no more here to listen for

i had a picture
and i danced around in my room
blooming in the humidity of the shower
wild. colorful. pregnant with lust

(vines climbing up the shower curtains
buds blossoming a deep orange
stunning red
deep violet
with a hint of blue
water evaporates as soon as it hits the tub
nothing but steam
so thick, no world below my nipples)

in 1 evening i realized
i am different and they are the same
went to bed with an aching boy
whom i did not have the heart to comfort

not my strength.
i prefer danger, deciet, cruelty
and my own personal demise

at home i
went to bed with my matress
this time tears were not shed

now they are boredom induced
ive lost touch with myself

but i realize, in honorable moments
i give myself somethings
they have never been able to

they just take take take
and bury themselves deeper
till my pride will submit
only to scratching at the surface
my aching deep and holow
their penetration

i want something, that i feel,
is intangible and abstract
a theory pieced together
from broken day dreams and wild fantasies

those nights we spent together.
those moments. day or night. regardless.
i laquered with a shiny finish
reflect, now, what i yearn to see

reality was not so -
i made you in my mind before we met
your silhouette a shell
for me to color in. by chance.
thank you. come again.

my fantasies have equiped me
with tools to judge, laquer, and shatter
the novice, the bad boy, the builder

'i dont have a type'
'i dont care about this and that'
are all lies

i have an abstraction
which, turns out, is much more powerful than a physical model
it provides tools to judge, laquer, and shatter
the novice, the bad boy, the builder
it is pliable
in all situations
to all individuals

like a misty image
which changes shape each time you look.

you step too close
i may let you in
before you know it
youll be swallowed up
and i will have made up my mind about you
in 60 seconds flat

something decides whether you are the one
one of them
or in the complement of all unions all together

and i cant help it
and i cant understand it
and now you hate me
and i still lead you on

you wounded puppy
you still have the balls to laugh with me in the dark
but you turned your back to me
like you all always do
and thats when i felt pain
and thats when i felt comfort
and now you'll run away

and maybe the mist will follow you
maybe ill see you in a new light
the harsh light of reality

kind words? sincere smiles?
i'll still accuse you of lies
simply because thats what i want to hear

[Apr12'2006 11:20PM]
despite my tendency to prepare for worst case scenarios... i underestimated the extent of hardcored-ness of this quarter. there will be even more of a lack of updates than usual, if you can imagine.

i am now getting tumbled in the wash cycle/ oceanic turmoil of 15 quarter units of mathematics.

believe it or not, i have not even had a chance to go running this week (aside from sunday). swam once. walked once (not counting sunday). the end. i am lame. nerd nerd nerd nerd nerd nerd nerd.

if life were perfect, the proccess of building new neuron connections would equate to developing one's muscles in regards to the calorie burning potential. 5 hours of differential equations = -500 cals?? ahh that would be heaven on earth.

edit: atleast i'm not in heat anymore. math... the natural way towards abstinence!

[Apr12'2006 11:09PM]


[Apr08'2006 08:00AM]
my dedication this past quarter has paid off. all a's, again. unbelievable. i astonish myself. lets have an ego trip for a second here. i fucking rock. so moral of the story is give it your all. it's worth it! for all the times you fall flat on your face, that one moment you succeed justifies the method of 'just do it and do it till you can't physically do it no more.'

so far i have gotten into uc-santa cruz for econ and uc-santa barbara for math/econ. i am excited. still waiting on davis, san diego and of course... cal and ucla. 3 weeks.

i have been told that what i am attempting next quarter is insane. but, i have decided that i enjoy putting myself through hell and wish to get all my classes over with pre-summer. here is my insane plan for spring quarter:

4th quarter calculus
differential equations
linear algebra
principles of biology (my only breather)

as i said last quarter:
I am now officially a nerd. I have given up on life and living for the sadomasochistic pleasures of multivariable optimization and proof by strong induction. The End.

thank god i will not have to be drilled on proof by induction and permutations/combinations and big theta/big omega/etc this quarter. i am so excited to be done with discrete math that i am effeciently erasing all knowledge of it from my memory. phew.

its spring break and i finally went out last night for the first time in.... forever. god it felt good. still feels good. nerd is on hold. the end.

[Apr06'2006 08:54PM]
change is inevitable. the vector exists. it's your job to define.

be it n little numbers attached to n specific letters. be it n little numbers enclosed in <>'s and separated by (n-1) ,'s. those n little numbers are yours. n belonging to positive integers.

now every moment changes from 1 to n of those little numbers in one of infinately many ways, each. life defined in n dimensions is much more complicated than point A to point B. imagine the error resulting in a linear approximation of a three dimensional object. multiply that by infinity. add the definite possibility of undefined external contraints, and you have one hell of a confused individual attempting to grasp the concept of "planning ahead."

[Mar19'2006 07:18AM]
1.25 cups mixed cereal (150) + berries (25)
diet dr pepper (0)

bread & caviar

pita & cheese (250)
cereal & berries (100)

omlette (250)
bread (100)
ice cream & cone (175)

bread & caviar (150)

kabob dinner


[Mar14'2006 07:29AM]
Career Inventory Test Results

Extroversion |||||||||||| 33%
Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 36%
Orderliness ||||||||||||||| 46%
Altruism ||||||||| 26%
Inquisitiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 76%

You are an Architect, possible professions include - strategic planning, writer, staff development, lawyer, architect, software designer, financial analyst, college professor, photographer, logician, artist, systems analyst, neurologist, physicist, psychologist, research/development specialist, computer programmer, data base manager, chemist, biologist, investigator.
Take Free Career Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

[Mar12'2006 05:07PM]
i am seriously going insane. trying to keep myself together.

ive decided to focus 90% of my studying on discrete math this weekend, in hopes of being able to adequately prepare for monday's exam. i don't understand. some concepts, yes. but then, come application/examination time, i fall flat on my face. there have been many breakdowns today.

feels a lot like winter quarter of last year (w/ english 1b) but i will not give up.
i will pound my head against the wall until friday the 31st, this quarter. i will not give up. i am better, stronger and smarter than that.

2.5 weeks. lets see how insane i can get.
discrete math, multivariable calculus, public speaking 1a-honors, ethics, c++ prog.
most stressful classes in descending order.

philosophy [Jan07'2006 12:45PM]
You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life.

�Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.�

�It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.�

--Jean-Paul Sartre

�It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.�

--Blaise Pascal

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...




Strong Egoism




Justice (Fairness)










Divine Command


What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

[Dec27'2005 09:56PM]
each girl can at some point come to embody a certain look, feel, aura... if shes lucky. hopefully before it is too late.

this girl has more facets to her appearance than i will ever be able to count. chameleon. acts that follow appearances. functions that follow form. envy is not the right word.

playing dress up till the day she dies.
we've seen her countless times. at one point she was all around us. laughing with us. sulking with us. drinking with us. smoking with us. selling to us. we have no idea who she is. she is as much a product as the jeans she made famous. the look she trademarked. the style she embodies.

a fascination. a mystery. an open book.


[Dec22'2005 04:24PM]
you spend your time planning, waiting and anticipating. next thing you know, you are transported to then and there.

disoriented, i second guess each decision... it looked a little simpler from back there.

sometimes, if only for a mere second, i wish for my emotions to let go of me

let me plan, wait and execute each move strategically

[Dec19'2005 01:06AM]
it seems like every moment just ups the intensity one more notch. i want to slow the process down but im too scared it will shut down all together. so i have to force the moments to keep the system up? i might try. nothing to lose if you dont start out with much.

i was drunk and i served the balls into a nearby court by accident. and each time, i was aware of my mistake but i kept on. kept on. he, my //////um/ opponent, returned with much vigor. now look at me. unwilling to face the score. (he was drunk too, repeat steps 1-3 with him as main ingredient). so who was i really playing against? drunk tennis. what a mess.

i am scared of both the questions and the answers.

my minds a scratched cd of tomorrow's crappy one hit wonders. maybe once in a while ill stumble upon a future blonde's future hit and secretly love every note, every word, every possibility. but in less than 4 mintues. skip. another 5 seconds of a crappy one hit wonder of tomorrow. guilt. anger. disgust.


must fill mind with academia to avoid such future post-traumatic hardware breakdowns. keeps life relatively simple when all you have to focus on is the volume of a the region constructed by rotating y=fuckyouandshutthefuckup. tell me, o psych professor, what is the definition of intelligence?

[Nov09'2005 07:36AM]
tidal waves are crashing down
my toes, playing in the sand.
i just can't seem to budge

let. it. come.

mini update of life [Nov06'2005 04:38PM]
i just got back from the transfer aliance program (tap) ucla trip. my goodness was it quite an experience. let me sum it up...

i got there the thursday night. will was going to be playing at the Festival of African American Music's presentation of Latin Jazz, Afro Latin, and the Avant-Garde. there were some big names but i'm not really into names when it comes to jazz. except for faddis who is an amazing trumpet player. he pretty much owned the show. will had a co-solo part with the grammy-nominated head of ethnomusicology dept. and i also got to witness a somewhat "epic" performance by the composer of the starwars theme along with the ucla jazz kids. it was pretty insane. i had a good time. afterwards, i went to the town area in westwood, i believe, and got some frozen yogurt with oreos! mmm.

the next day i had my honors program ordeal. i am officially in love with the ucla campus. unlike 90% of la, ucla is so clean and taken care of. beautiful. 2 things that made me fall in love:

1. their great honors program. the classes average 12-15 kids. sometimes as high as 20. never more. such a relief!
2. their gym. they have everything you could ever hope for. so beautiful. i love it. i can't fucking wait.
3. their math/econ joint major (excellent prep for graduate econ) and psych minor. i am... in heaven?
4. the campus activities

the one thing i AM concerned about is the possibility of me getting sucked into la after graduation. heaven forbid. if i do go to ucla, i will make a concious effort over the summer to come back to the bay ant network through internships in the sf-area.

that night, we went to see the last second of the festival's rap/hiphop/spoken word ordeal and witnessed some crazy breakdancers. then we went to party like nothing else. i looove the college scene. you can walk to anywhere and everywhere. parties are abundant. practicaly everyone is college-aged so no worries of noise level, etc. the two years of college after the jc are going to be nice nice nice. exciting learning and exciting night life.

plus, soon after i transfer is 21-time. la clubs, galore! can we say... yay?

so ucla is a mighty good choice for me as i already know bunches of people. no worries of mixing self into crazy big campus of strangers. and im sure even if that was the case, i wouldnt have a problem. everyone is mighty chill. "you can make a big campus small but you can't make a small campus big." i love the school. it is definately going to be a tough choice if&when it comes down to ucla v.s cal.

[Oct02'2005 08:01PM]

Your Political Profile

Overall: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal


[Oct01'2005 08:08PM]
i'm writing/presenting on 'media unlimited' in sociology 1 class
the whole topic of global americanization made me think of this:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

kiev, ukraine

ukraine is in this weird time-warp. thanks to the late but not so great ussr.

[Sep27'2005 06:57PM]
Birthday:0123 86
Birthplace:kiev, ukraine
Current Location:palo alto, ca, usa
Eye Color:brown
Hair Color:brown
Height:five four
Right Handed or Left Handed:right
Your Heritage:ukranian, part e. european gypsy
The Shoes You Wore Today:reef flips (suprise surprise!)
Your Weakness:fresh baked sourdough bread & highly intelligent individuals
Your Fears:failure
Your Perfect Pizza:air jordan
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Cal
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
Thoughts First Waking Up:
Your Best Physical Feature:i love all of me
Your Bedtime:1030
Your Most Missed Memory:
Pepsi or Coke:either... diet
MacDonalds or Burger King:neither
Single or Group Dates:depends
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:home brewed (jasmine, thank you)
Chocolate or Vanilla:extra dark chocolate or white chocolate, only
Cappuccino or Coffee:black coffee, peets vanilla latte
Do you Smoke:no
Do you Swear:yes
Do you Sing:only when playing with legos
Do you Shower Daily:and then some
Have you Been in Love:never
Do you want to go to College:haha hmmm this is a toughie...
Do you want to get Married:not now. probably not ever.
Do you belive in yourself:i beliEve i can fly
Do you get Motion Sickness:dramamine
Do you think you are Attractive:i love me
Are you a Health Freak:definately
Do you get along with your Parents:to an extent
Do you like Thunderstorms:i like light rain
Do you play an Instrument:no
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:yes
In the past month have you Smoked:no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:no
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:yes
Ever been called a Tease:yes
Ever been Beaten up:yes... kinda
Ever Shoplifted:yes
How do you want to Die:i don't, thank you.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:jesus
What country would you most like to Visit:just one?
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:don't care
Favourite Hair Color:don't care
Short or Long Hair:depends
Weight:fatties ;)
Best Clothing Style:mmm white crew-necks, nice jeans
Number of Drugs I have taken:don't care
Number of CDs I own:don't care
Number of Piercings:depends
Number of Tattoos:depends
Number of things in my Past I Regret:minimal


[Sep25'2005 08:55AM]
You are a

Social Liberal
(78% permissive)

and an...

Economic Conservative
(73% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating

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